It happened six days ago. I got a notification for a memory from one year ago. It was this video. This is it. This is the last video I have of Jane. Several people have checked in to see how we are doing, especially today, the 24th. This has mostly been my response: “We’re ok. […]

Christmas doesn’t feel very merry this year. “I haven’t said Merry Christmas this year,” I admitted to Robert. He looked at me slightly confused, mostly because I blurted out the statement with no context. I went on to explain that as I was checking out at a store earlier in the evening, the woman behind […]

Five years ago I was cooking a thanksgiving meal in a different home with much different circumstances. Here is what I wrote on that day. “Today I am literally barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen. While my husband and little girls watch the parade, I am overwhelmed with gratefulness. Not just today, but everyday I […]

I rounded the corner quickly, hurrying to get to Sunday school class on time. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed her, a friend, a surrogate mother and grandmother. Her back was facing me and she was about to go into the worship service. It occurred to me that though I had seen […]

Every year I write a short letter to my children on their birthday. Today I took time to look at the notes I had written to Jane, there are only two. On Jane’s first birthday I wrote, “Jane, today you are one and I feel completely conflicted about this. You are the baby, my baby. […]

A picture is worth a thousand words. That’s the saying. Since having our first baby eight years ago we have tried to choose certain traditions that we thought we could maintain no matter how many children we had. I’ve made baby quilts, kept a (sometimes sparse) baby book, and had newborn photos made of each […]

There was an overwhelming tension of emotions as we pulled away from the hospital this week. Just five months ago I was leaving another hospital with my husband. Tears streamed down my face both times. On this occasion, I was leaving with my baby, last time I left without my child. The paradox of grief […]

It’s been a hard few days. Grief ebbs and flows, life itself shifts and moves in unpredictable ways. Sometimes I can pinpoint exactly what has made a day difficult and why we have experienced more grief. Like yesterday when Robert text me and said, “I just saw a patient that I hadn’t seen since February […]

Robert and I lost a daughter in February, but my kids also lost a sister and best friend. Grief is complicated and messy. It grows more complex by the sheer number of people grieving within our home. Parenting children that are grieving is a delicate and fluctuating experience. All of our children are beautifully unique […]

Finality is sure and right now it feels heavy. While we are obviously living a life we could not have anticipated just three and a half months ago, there have still been so many more surprises and pain lurking in unexpected places. The early days after Jane’s death were thick with the fog of heartache […]