It’s officially spring break in our city. Though who knows what day it is any more. Sometimes I wonder if that’s the pandemic or grief. It’s probably some of both. Our plan was to be at Disney World this week. We planned the trip last fall. Even after Jane’s passing I thought the trip might still be good for our family, a time to be together and have some kind of happiness. Obviously, that was a no go with lockdowns and social distancing.

Plans change. I’m very aware of that. More importantly perspective changes. When we received the official word that our trip was canceled, I wasn’t surprised and I wasn’t even upset. Cancellations pale in comparison to losing a daughter. I thought our kids might be upset when we told them, but it turns out their perspective has changed too and they weren’t dismayed. I dare not boast, I know this gift of perspective is directly from the Holy Spirit.

It felt final and it felt heavy.

We have very few distractions right now, that can be a blessing. It helps to keep our focus on things of eternal significance. Few distractions can also be painful. I finally washed the clothes in Jane’s laundry basket this week. I’ve put it off for six weeks. It felt final and it felt heavy. I washed them, dried them and folded them. Little clothes that will never grace her body again. They now sit stacked on her bed until another day. I know I have time and I’m not rushing grief.

“Jesus please be near.”

Some days seem harder than others. Some days feel more lonely than others. In those moments I find myself whispering the same prayer I did while waiting in the hospital, “Jesus please be near.” He was near that night and He has been near ever since. It’s the sweetest grace that amidst the pain, amidst the isolation, Jesus will be near. I hope you know that too.

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