I’m Not Ready

A couple of days ago I opened my calendar to write down some upcoming appointments. I haven’t used or even looked at my calendar in months, there has been nothing coming up and nothing to remember. Robert asked how many weeks pregnant I was and I replied that I thought I was 32 weeks or maybe almost 32 weeks. To my astonishment, I found that I was already over 33 weeks pregnant. Tears started streaming down my face. Robert asked what was wrong and I replied, “I’m not ready.”

That is an understatement. I do not feel ready to welcome a baby in under six weeks. I do not feel ready to bring my fifth baby home to a house where she will actually be the fourth child present. Her room is not ready, because I can’t bear to part with her sister’s bed and clothes. I am not ready to wash bottles in the midst of putting away unused sippy cups. I am not ready to stay up feeding and comforting an infant, when grief already plagues my sleep.

I don’t know that there has ever been a positive pregnancy test in our home that has not been met with immense joy and a feeling of inadequacy. Whether it was the news that we were going to have two children under the age of two or expecting our fifth child when we thought we might be done having children, I have never felt adequately prepared, ready or up to the challenge of motherhood. But the Lord is faithful and He always provides. This certainly is the most unprepared I have ever felt, but though my circumstances have changed, God has not and He will still provide.

Though my circumstances have changed, God has not and He will still provide.

Psalms 37:23-24 says “If the Lord delights in a man’s way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fail, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.” Does the Lord delight in my anxiety and fear of the future? I don’t think so, because the heart of the matter is my lack of trust and doubting of the Lord. Does the Lord delight in my humility and my dependence on Him? Yes. By accepting that I cannot do something without the help of the Lord is not self deprecating, it is placing myself and the Lord in our proper places.

The Lord is not concerned with a nursery well prepared. He does not delight in a check list complete. The Lord delights in my dependence on Him. I have stumbled through the last several months of grief and uncertainty, but I have not failed because He upholds me. I will continue to stumble and will never be the perfect mother, because I am a sinner and I am not perfect. But I trust that God, who is perfect, in His sovereignty ordained that I should be the mother to Emma, Leah, George, Jane and now Lucy. The one who has called me is faithful, and He will do it. Not me, but the Lord.

The Lord delights in my dependence on Him.

There is a fine line between humility and self deprecation. There is also a fine line between sinful pride and confidence in the Lord. My prayer in the midst of uncertainty is that I would be humble and have confidence in the God of the universe. I will never be ready, but God is ready and sure. He is not surprised and His plans are perfect. I can trust him with my inadequacy and so can you. I don’t know what the Lord has called you to, but I’m sure you aren’t ready in your own power. That’s a good thing. 1 Thessalonians 5:24 says “The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.”

I have learned to be thankful for the things that are outside of my control, because I know the One that is in control. I have learned to have gratitude for the things that feel too heavy, because I know the One whose load is light. I am appreciative of not being ready, because I know the One who is ready and able. I do not trust my nearsightedness to walk the path, I trust the one that determines my steps.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

“33 weeks and 5 days.” My OB said this morning. There was understanding in his voice as he could see the doubt in my face. I don’t know when I will go into labor, but I’m certain that whether the crib is in place or not I will not feel ready. Thankfully I serve a God who is always ready and desires to lead my path.