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My Blog

December 15, 2022

Gratitude isn’t a betrayal of my grief. My grief hasn’t gotten any smaller, but my heart has grown. My capacity to hold joy and grief together has increased exponentially.

Days Ordained

September 17, 2021

The clock read 6:04 am. I laid on my left side with most of my body uncovered by blankets. It was September 17th, and our temporary rental home was hot. Maybe it wasn’t that hot in the house, but I was always hot at 39 weeks pregnant with my fourth child. My eyes squeezed tightly […]

On This Day

June 16, 2021

“So what are you hoping has changed since this time last year? What differences do you want in your life?” They were thoughtful questions from my dearest friend who is truly gifted in asking questions and even better at genuinely listening to answers. I knew the answer but struggled to articulate it. “I don’t want […]

I Want Less

December 20, 2020

Christmas doesn’t feel very merry this year. “I haven’t said Merry Christmas this year,” I admitted to Robert. He looked at me slightly confused, mostly because I blurted out the statement with no context. I went on to explain that as I was checking out at a store earlier in the evening, the woman behind […]

Christmas for the Weary

November 26, 2020

Five years ago I was cooking a thanksgiving meal in a different home with much different circumstances. Here is what I wrote on that day. “Today I am literally barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen. While my husband and little girls watch the parade, I am overwhelmed with gratefulness. Not just today, but everyday I […]

Am I Still Thankful?

September 17, 2020

Every year I write a short letter to my children on their birthday. Today I took time to look at the notes I had written to Jane, there are only two. On Jane’s first birthday I wrote, “Jane, today you are one and I feel completely conflicted about this. You are the baby, my baby. […]

Jane, today you are

July 24, 2020

A picture is worth a thousand words. That’s the saying. Since having our first baby eight years ago we have tried to choose certain traditions that we thought we could maintain no matter how many children we had. I’ve made baby quilts, kept a (sometimes sparse) baby book, and had newborn photos made of each […]

1000 Words

July 11, 2020

There was an overwhelming tension of emotions as we pulled away from the hospital this week. Just five months ago I was leaving another hospital with my husband. Tears streamed down my face both times. On this occasion, I was leaving with my baby, last time I left without my child. The paradox of grief […]

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